Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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