Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
