I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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