I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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