i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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