And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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