when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
