I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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