I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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