tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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