As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
