I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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