Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
