i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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