How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
