There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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