Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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