so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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