1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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