I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
