Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
