You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Everyone says I win the strip club
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
