Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
