i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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