Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
