my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
