When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
