she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
