loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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