im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
