we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
