I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
