so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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