Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
