If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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