She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
