Whod you bang
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
