It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
