Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
