Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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