I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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