I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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