Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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