I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
