piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
