Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
