remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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