Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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