Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
