the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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